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Troilus and Cressida: Act 2 Scene 1

Scene I A part of the Grecian camp.

[Enter AJAX and THERSITES]

AJAX

Thersites!

THERSITES

Agamemnon, how if he had boils? full, all over,

generally?

AJAX

Thersites!

THERSITES

And those boils did run? say so: did not the

general run then? were not that a botchy core?

AJAX

Dog!

THERSITES

Then would come some matter from him; I see none now.

AJAX

Thou bitch-wolf's son, canst thou not hear?

[Beating him]

Feel, then.

THERSITES

The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel

beef-witted lord!

AJAX

Speak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak: I will

beat thee into handsomeness.

THERSITES

I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness: but,

I think, thy horse will sooner con an oration than

thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike,

canst thou? a red murrain o' thy jade's tricks!

AJAX

Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.

THERSITES

Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?

AJAX

The proclamation!

THERSITES

Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.

AJAX

Do not, porpentine, do not: my fingers itch.

THERSITES

I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had

the scratching of thee; I would make thee the

loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou art forth in

the incursions, thou strikest as slow as another.

AJAX

I say, the proclamation!

THERSITES

Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles,

and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as

Cerberus is at Proserpine's beauty, ay, that thou

barkest at him.

AJAX

Mistress Thersites!

THERSITES

Thou shouldest strike him.

AJAX

Cobloaf!

THERSITES

He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a

sailor breaks a biscuit.

AJAX

[Beating him] You whoreson cur!

THERSITES

Do, do.

AJAX

Thou stool for a witch!

THERSITES

Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no

more brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinego

may tutor thee: thou scurvy-valiant ass! thou art

here but to thrash Trojans; and thou art bought and

sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave.

If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and

tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no

bowels, thou!

AJAX

You dog!

THERSITES

You scurvy lord!

AJAX

[Beating him] You cur!

THERSITES

Mars his idiot! do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.

[Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS]

ACHILLES

Why, how now, Ajax! wherefore do you thus? How now,

Thersites! what's the matter, man?

THERSITES

You see him there, do you?

ACHILLES

Ay; what's the matter?

THERSITES

Nay, look upon him.

ACHILLES

So I do: what's the matter?

THERSITES

Nay, but regard him well.

ACHILLES

'Well!' why, I do so.

THERSITES

But yet you look not well upon him; for whosoever you

take him to be, he is Ajax.

ACHILLES

I know that, fool.

THERSITES

Ay, but that fool knows not himself.

AJAX

Therefore I beat thee.

THERSITES

Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! his

evasions have ears thus long. I have bobbed his

brain more than he has beat my bones: I will buy

nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not

worth the nineth part of a sparrow. This lord,

Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and

his guts in his head, I'll tell you what I say of

him.

ACHILLES

What?

THERSITES

I say, this Ajax--

[Ajax offers to beat him]

ACHILLES

Nay, good Ajax.

THERSITES

Has not so much wit--

ACHILLES

Nay, I must hold you.

THERSITES

As will stop the eye of Helen's needle, for whom he

comes to fight.

ACHILLES

Peace, fool!

THERSITES

I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will

not: he there: that he: look you there.

AJAX

O thou damned cur! I shall--

ACHILLES

Will you set your wit to a fool's?

THERSITES

No, I warrant you; for a fools will shame it.

PATROCLUS

Good words, Thersites.

ACHILLES

What's the quarrel?

AJAX

I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the

proclamation, and he rails upon me.

THERSITES

I serve thee not.

AJAX

Well, go to, go to.

THERSITES

I serve here voluntarily.

ACHILLES

Your last service was sufferance, 'twas not

voluntary: no man is beaten voluntary: Ajax was

here the voluntary, and you as under an impress.

THERSITES

E'en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your

sinews, or else there be liars. Hector have a great

catch, if he knock out either of your brains: a'

were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel.

ACHILLES

What, with me too, Thersites?

THERSITES

There's Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldy

ere your grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you

like draught-oxen and make you plough up the wars.

ACHILLES

What, what?

THERSITES

Yes, good sooth: to, Achilles! to, Ajax! to!

AJAX

I shall cut out your tongue.

THERSITES

'Tis no matter! I shall speak as much as thou

afterwards.

PATROCLUS

No more words, Thersites; peace!

THERSITES

I will hold my peace when Achilles' brach bids me, shall I?

ACHILLES

There's for you, Patroclus.

THERSITES

I will see you hanged, like clotpoles, ere I come

any more to your tents: I will keep where there is

wit stirring and leave the faction of fools.

[Exit]

PATROCLUS

A good riddance.

ACHILLES

Marry, this, sir, is proclaim'd through all our host:

That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,

Will with a trumpet 'twixt our tents and Troy

To-morrow morning call some knight to arms

That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare

Maintain--I know not what: 'tis trash. Farewell.

AJAX

Farewell. Who shall answer him?

ACHILLES

I know not: 'tis put to lottery; otherwise

He knew his man.

AJAX

O, meaning you. I will go learn more of it.

[Exeunt]