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Troilus and Cressida: Act 5 Scene 1
Scene I The Grecian camp. Before Achilles' tent.
- [Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS]
- I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night,
- Which with my scimitar I'll cool to-morrow.
- Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.
- Here comes Thersites.
- [Enter THERSITES]
- How now, thou core of envy!
- Thou crusty batch of nature, what's the news?
- Why, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idol
- of idiot worshippers, here's a letter for thee.
- From whence, fragment?
- Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.
- Who keeps the tent now?
- The surgeon's box, or the patient's wound.
- Well said, adversity! and what need these tricks?
- Prithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk:
- thou art thought to be Achilles' male varlet.
- Male varlet, you rogue! what's that?
- Why, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseases
- of the south, the guts-griping, ruptures, catarrhs,
- loads o' gravel i' the back, lethargies, cold
- palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, wheezing
- lungs, bladders full of imposthume, sciaticas,
- limekilns i' the palm, incurable bone-ache, and the
- rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take
- again such preposterous discoveries!
- Why thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest
- thou to curse thus?
- Do I curse thee?
- Why no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson
- indistinguishable cur, no.
- No! why art thou then exasperate, thou idle
- immaterial skein of sleave-silk, thou green sarcenet
- flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal's
- purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is pestered
- with such waterflies, diminutives of nature!
- Out, gall!
- My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
- From my great purpose in to-morrow's battle.
- Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
- A token from her daughter, my fair love,
- Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
- An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it:
- Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay;
- My major vow lies here, this I'll obey.
- Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent:
- This night in banqueting must all be spent.
- Away, Patroclus!
- [Exeunt ACHILLES and PATROCLUS]
- With too much blood and too little brain, these two
- may run mad; but, if with too much brain and too
- little blood they do, I'll be a curer of madmen.
- Here's Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough and one
- that loves quails; but he has not so much brain as
- earwax: and the goodly transformation of Jupiter
- there, his brother, the bull,--the primitive statue,
- and oblique memorial of cuckolds; a thrifty
- shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his brother's
- leg,--to what form but that he is, should wit larded
- with malice and malice forced with wit turn him to?
- To an ass, were nothing; he is both ass and ox: to
- an ox, were nothing; he is both ox and ass. To be a
- dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an
- owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would
- not care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspire
- against destiny. Ask me not, what I would be, if I
- were not Thersites; for I care not to be the louse
- of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus! Hey-day!
- spirits and fires!
- [Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES,
- NESTOR, MENELAUS, and DIOMEDES, with lights]
- We go wrong, we go wrong.
- No, yonder 'tis;
- There, where we see the lights.
- I trouble you.
- No, not a whit.
- Here comes himself to guide you.
- [Re-enter ACHILLES]
- Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, princes all.
- So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night.
- Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
- Thanks and good night to the Greeks' general.
- Good night, my lord.
- Good night, sweet lord Menelaus.
- Sweet draught: 'sweet' quoth 'a! sweet sink,
- sweet sewer.
- Good night and welcome, both at once, to those
- That go or tarry.
- Good night.
- [Exeunt AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS]
- Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,
- Keep Hector company an hour or two.
- I cannot, lord; I have important business,
- The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.
- Give me your hand.
- [Aside to TROILUS] Follow his torch; he goes to
- Calchas' tent:
- I'll keep you company.
- Sweet sir, you honour me.
- And so, good night.
- [Exit DIOMEDES; ULYSSES and TROILUS following]
- Come, come, enter my tent.
- [Exeunt ACHILLES, HECTOR, AJAX, and NESTOR]
- That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most
- unjust knave; I will no more trust him when he leers
- than I will a serpent when he hisses: he will spend
- his mouth, and promise, like Brabbler the hound:
- but when he performs, astronomers foretell it; it
- is prodigious, there will come some change; the sun
- borrows of the moon, when Diomed keeps his
- word. I will rather leave to see Hector, than
- not to dog him: they say he keeps a Trojan
- drab, and uses the traitor Calchas' tent: I'll
- after. Nothing but lechery! all incontinent varlets!