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Much Ado About Nothing: Act 2 Scene 3

Scene III LEONATO'S orchard.

[Enter BENEDICK]

BENEDICK

Boy!

[Enter Boy]

Boy

Signior?

BENEDICK

In my chamber-window lies a book: bring it hither

to me in the orchard.

Boy

I am here already, sir.

BENEDICK

I know that; but I would have thee hence, and here again.

[Exit Boy]

I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much

another man is a fool when he dedicates his

behaviors to love, will, after he hath laughed at

such shallow follies in others, become the argument

of his own scorn by failing in love: and such a man

is Claudio. I have known when there was no music

with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he

rather hear the tabour and the pipe: I have known

when he would have walked ten mile a-foot to see a

good armour; and now will he lie ten nights awake,

carving the fashion of a new doublet. He was wont to

speak plain and to the purpose, like an honest man

and a soldier; and now is he turned orthography; his

words are a very fantastical banquet, just so many

strange dishes. May I be so converted and see with

these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not: I will not

be sworn, but love may transform me to an oyster; but

I'll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster

of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One woman

is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am

well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all

graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in

my grace. Rich she shall be, that's certain; wise,

or I'll none; virtuous, or I'll never cheapen her;

fair, or I'll never look on her; mild, or come not

near me; noble, or not I for an angel; of good

discourse, an excellent musician, and her hair shall

be of what colour it please God. Ha! the prince and

Monsieur Love! I will hide me in the arbour.

[Withdraws]

[Enter DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, and LEONATO]

DON PEDRO

Come, shall we hear this music?

CLAUDIO

Yea, my good lord. How still the evening is,

As hush'd on purpose to grace harmony!

DON PEDRO

See you where Benedick hath hid himself?

CLAUDIO

O, very well, my lord: the music ended,

We'll fit the kid-fox with a pennyworth.

[Enter BALTHASAR with Music]

DON PEDRO

Come, Balthasar, we'll hear that song again.

BALTHASAR

O, good my lord, tax not so bad a voice

To slander music any more than once.

DON PEDRO

It is the witness still of excellency

To put a strange face on his own perfection.

I pray thee, sing, and let me woo no more.

BALTHASAR

Because you talk of wooing, I will sing;

Since many a wooer doth commence his suit

To her he thinks not worthy, yet he wooes,

Yet will he swear he loves.

DON PEDRO

Now, pray thee, come;

Or, if thou wilt hold longer argument,

Do it in notes.

BALTHASAR

Note this before my notes;

There's not a note of mine that's worth the noting.

DON PEDRO

Why, these are very crotchets that he speaks;

Note, notes, forsooth, and nothing.

[Air]

BENEDICK

Now, divine air! now is his soul ravished! Is it

not strange that sheeps' guts should hale souls out

of men's bodies? Well, a horn for my money, when

all's done.

[The Song]

BALTHASAR

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,

Men were deceivers ever,

One foot in sea and one on shore,

To one thing constant never:

Then sigh not so, but let them go,

And be you blithe and bonny,

Converting all your sounds of woe

Into Hey nonny, nonny.

Sing no more ditties, sing no moe,

Of dumps so dull and heavy;

The fraud of men was ever so,

Since summer first was leafy:

Then sigh not so, &c.

DON PEDRO

By my troth, a good song.

BALTHASAR

And an ill singer, my lord.

DON PEDRO

Ha, no, no, faith; thou singest well enough for a shift.

BENEDICK

An he had been a dog that should have howled thus,

they would have hanged him: and I pray God his bad

voice bode no mischief. I had as lief have heard the

night-raven, come what plague could have come after

it.

DON PEDRO

Yea, marry, dost thou hear, Balthasar? I pray thee,

get us some excellent music; for to-morrow night we

would have it at the Lady Hero's chamber-window.

BALTHASAR

The best I can, my lord.

DON PEDRO

Do so: farewell.

[Exit BALTHASAR]

Come hither, Leonato. What was it you told me of

to-day, that your niece Beatrice was in love with

Signior Benedick?

CLAUDIO

O, ay: stalk on. stalk on; the fowl sits. I did

never think that lady would have loved any man.

LEONATO

No, nor I neither; but most wonderful that she

should so dote on Signior Benedick, whom she hath in

all outward behaviors seemed ever to abhor.

BENEDICK

Is't possible? Sits the wind in that corner?

LEONATO

By my troth, my lord, I cannot tell what to think

of it but that she loves him with an enraged

affection: it is past the infinite of thought.

DON PEDRO

May be she doth but counterfeit.

CLAUDIO

Faith, like enough.

LEONATO

O God, counterfeit! There was never counterfeit of

passion came so near the life of passion as she

discovers it.

DON PEDRO

Why, what effects of passion shows she?

CLAUDIO

Bait the hook well; this fish will bite.

LEONATO

What effects, my lord? She will sit you, you heard

my daughter tell you how.

CLAUDIO

She did, indeed.

DON PEDRO

How, how, pray you? You amaze me: I would have I

thought her spirit had been invincible against all

assaults of affection.

LEONATO

I would have sworn it had, my lord; especially

against Benedick.

BENEDICK

I should think this a gull, but that the

white-bearded fellow speaks it: knavery cannot,

sure, hide himself in such reverence.

CLAUDIO

He hath ta'en the infection: hold it up.

DON PEDRO

Hath she made her affection known to Benedick?

LEONATO

No; and swears she never will: that's her torment.

CLAUDIO

'Tis true, indeed; so your daughter says: 'Shall

I,' says she, 'that have so oft encountered him

with scorn, write to him that I love him?'

LEONATO

This says she now when she is beginning to write to

him; for she'll be up twenty times a night, and

there will she sit in her smock till she have writ a

sheet of paper: my daughter tells us all.

CLAUDIO

Now you talk of a sheet of paper, I remember a

pretty jest your daughter told us of.

LEONATO

O, when she had writ it and was reading it over, she

found Benedick and Beatrice between the sheet?

CLAUDIO

That.

LEONATO

O, she tore the letter into a thousand halfpence;

railed at herself, that she should be so immodest

to write to one that she knew would flout her; 'I

measure him,' says she, 'by my own spirit; for I

should flout him, if he writ to me; yea, though I

love him, I should.'

CLAUDIO

Then down upon her knees she falls, weeps, sobs,

beats her heart, tears her hair, prays, curses; 'O

sweet Benedick! God give me patience!'

LEONATO

She doth indeed; my daughter says so: and the

ecstasy hath so much overborne her that my daughter

is sometime afeared she will do a desperate outrage

to herself: it is very true.

DON PEDRO

It were good that Benedick knew of it by some

other, if she will not discover it.

CLAUDIO

To what end? He would make but a sport of it and

torment the poor lady worse.

DON PEDRO

An he should, it were an alms to hang him. She's an

excellent sweet lady; and, out of all suspicion,

she is virtuous.

CLAUDIO

And she is exceeding wise.

DON PEDRO

In every thing but in loving Benedick.

LEONATO

O, my lord, wisdom and blood combating in so tender

a body, we have ten proofs to one that blood hath

the victory. I am sorry for her, as I have just

cause, being her uncle and her guardian.

DON PEDRO

I would she had bestowed this dotage on me: I would

have daffed all other respects and made her half

myself. I pray you, tell Benedick of it, and hear

what a' will say.

LEONATO

Were it good, think you?

CLAUDIO

Hero thinks surely she will die; for she says she

will die, if he love her not, and she will die, ere

she make her love known, and she will die, if he woo

her, rather than she will bate one breath of her

accustomed crossness.

DON PEDRO

She doth well: if she should make tender of her

love, 'tis very possible he'll scorn it; for the

man, as you know all, hath a contemptible spirit.

CLAUDIO

He is a very proper man.

DON PEDRO

He hath indeed a good outward happiness.

CLAUDIO

Before God! and, in my mind, very wise.

DON PEDRO

He doth indeed show some sparks that are like wit.

CLAUDIO

And I take him to be valiant.

DON PEDRO

As Hector, I assure you: and in the managing of

quarrels you may say he is wise; for either he

avoids them with great discretion, or undertakes

them with a most Christian-like fear.

LEONATO

If he do fear God, a' must necessarily keep peace:

if he break the peace, he ought to enter into a

quarrel with fear and trembling.

DON PEDRO

And so will he do; for the man doth fear God,

howsoever it seems not in him by some large jests

he will make. Well I am sorry for your niece. Shall

we go seek Benedick, and tell him of her love?

CLAUDIO

Never tell him, my lord: let her wear it out with

good counsel.

LEONATO

Nay, that's impossible: she may wear her heart out first.

DON PEDRO

Well, we will hear further of it by your daughter:

let it cool the while. I love Benedick well; and I

could wish he would modestly examine himself, to see

how much he is unworthy so good a lady.

LEONATO

My lord, will you walk? dinner is ready.

CLAUDIO

If he do not dote on her upon this, I will never

trust my expectation.

DON PEDRO

Let there be the same net spread for her; and that

must your daughter and her gentlewomen carry. The

sport will be, when they hold one an opinion of

another's dotage, and no such matter: that's the

scene that I would see, which will be merely a

dumb-show. Let us send her to call him in to dinner.

[Exeunt DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, and LEONATO]

BENEDICK

[Coming forward] This can be no trick: the

conference was sadly borne. They have the truth of

this from Hero. They seem to pity the lady: it

seems her affections have their full bent. Love me!

why, it must be requited. I hear how I am censured:

they say I will bear myself proudly, if I perceive

the love come from her; they say too that she will

rather die than give any sign of affection. I did

never think to marry: I must not seem proud: happy

are they that hear their detractions and can put

them to mending. They say the lady is fair; 'tis a

truth, I can bear them witness; and virtuous; 'tis

so, I cannot reprove it; and wise, but for loving

me; by my troth, it is no addition to her wit, nor

no great argument of her folly, for I will be

horribly in love with her. I may chance have some

odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me,

because I have railed so long against marriage: but

doth not the appetite alter? a man loves the meat

in his youth that he cannot endure in his age.

Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of

the brain awe a man from the career of his humour?

No, the world must be peopled. When I said I would

die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I

were married. Here comes Beatrice. By this day!

she's a fair lady: I do spy some marks of love in

her.

[Enter BEATRICE]

BEATRICE

Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner.

BENEDICK

Fair Beatrice, I thank you for your pains.

BEATRICE

I took no more pains for those thanks than you take

pains to thank me: if it had been painful, I would

not have come.

BENEDICK

You take pleasure then in the message?

BEATRICE

Yea, just so much as you may take upon a knife's

point and choke a daw withal. You have no stomach,

signior: fare you well.

[Exit]

BENEDICK

Ha! 'Against my will I am sent to bid you come in

to dinner;' there's a double meaning in that 'I took

no more pains for those thanks than you took pains

to thank me.' that's as much as to say, Any pains

that I take for you is as easy as thanks. If I do

not take pity of her, I am a villain; if I do not

love her, I am a Jew. I will go get her picture.

[Exit]