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The Merry Wives of Windsor: Act 4 Scene 5

Scene V A room in the Garter Inn.

[Enter Host and SIMPLE]

HOST

What wouldst thou have, boor? what: thick-skin?

speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.

SIMPLE

Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff

from Master Slender.

HOST

There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his

standing-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about

with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go

knock and call; hell speak like an Anthropophaginian

unto thee: knock, I say.

SIMPLE

There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his

chamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come

down; I come to speak with her, indeed.

HOST

Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'll

call. Bully knight! bully Sir John! speak from

thy lungs military: art thou there? it is thine

host, thine Ephesian, calls.

FALSTAFF

[Above] How now, mine host!

HOST

Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of

thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her

descend; my chambers are honourable: fie! privacy?

fie!

[Enter FALSTAFF]

FALSTAFF

There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with

me; but she's gone.

SIMPLE

Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of

Brentford?

FALSTAFF

Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her?

SIMPLE

My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeing

her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether

one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the

chain or no.

FALSTAFF

I spake with the old woman about it.

SIMPLE

And what says she, I pray, sir?

FALSTAFF

Marry, she says that the very same man that

beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of

it.

SIMPLE

I would I could have spoken with the woman herself;

I had other things to have spoken with her too from

him.

FALSTAFF

What are they? let us know.

HOST

Ay, come; quick.

SIMPLE

I may not conceal them, sir.

HOST

Conceal them, or thou diest.

SIMPLE

Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne

Page; to know if it were my master's fortune to

have her or no.

FALSTAFF

'Tis, 'tis his fortune.

SIMPLE

What, sir?

FALSTAFF

To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.

SIMPLE

May I be bold to say so, sir?

FALSTAFF

Ay, sir; like who more bold.

SIMPLE

I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad

with these tidings.

[Exit]

HOST

Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was

there a wise woman with thee?

FALSTAFF

Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught

me more wit than ever I learned before in my life;

and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for

my learning.

[Enter BARDOLPH]

BARDOLPH

Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!

HOST

Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto.

BARDOLPH

Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came

beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of

them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away,

like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.

HOST

They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not

say they be fled; Germans are honest men.

[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS]

SIR HUGH EVANS

Where is mine host?

HOST

What is the matter, sir?

SIR HUGH EVANS

Have a care of your entertainments: there is a

friend of mine come to town tells me there is three

cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of

Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and

money. I tell you for good will, look you: you

are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and

'tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.

[Exit]

[Enter DOCTOR CAIUS]

DOCTOR CAIUS

Vere is mine host de Jarteer?

HOST

Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

DOCTOR CAIUS

I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me dat

you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany: by

my trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know to

come. I tell you for good vill: adieu.

[Exit]

HOST

Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight. I am

undone! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!

[Exeunt Host and BARDOLPH]

FALSTAFF

I would all the world might be cozened; for I have

been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to

the ear of the court, how I have been transformed

and how my transformation hath been washed and

cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by

drop and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant

they would whip me with their fine wits till I were

as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered

since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my

wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.

[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]

Now, whence come you?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

From the two parties, forsooth.

FALSTAFF

The devil take one party and his dam the other! and

so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more

for their sakes, more than the villanous inconstancy

of man's disposition is able to bear.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant;

speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart,

is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a

white spot about her.

FALSTAFF

What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was

beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow;

and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of

Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit,

my counterfeiting the action of an old woman,

delivered me, the knave constable had set me i' the

stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you

shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your

content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good

hearts, what ado here is to bring you together!

Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that

you are so crossed.

FALSTAFF

Come up into my chamber.

[Exeunt]

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