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As You Like It: Act 3 Scene 2

Scene II The forest.

[Enter ORLANDO, with a paper]

ORLANDO

Hang there, my verse, in witness of my love:

And thou, thrice-crowned queen of night, survey

With thy chaste eye, from thy pale sphere above,

Thy huntress' name that my full life doth sway.

O Rosalind! these trees shall be my books

And in their barks my thoughts I'll character;

That every eye which in this forest looks

Shall see thy virtue witness'd every where.

Run, run, Orlando; carve on every tree

The fair, the chaste and unexpressive she.

[Exit]

[Enter CORIN and TOUCHSTONE]

CORIN

And how like you this shepherd's life, Master Touchstone?

TOUCHSTONE

Truly, shepherd, in respect of itself, it is a good

life, but in respect that it is a shepherd's life,

it is naught. In respect that it is solitary, I

like it very well; but in respect that it is

private, it is a very vile life. Now, in respect it

is in the fields, it pleaseth me well; but in

respect it is not in the court, it is tedious. As

is it a spare life, look you, it fits my humour well;

but as there is no more plenty in it, it goes much

against my stomach. Hast any philosophy in thee, shepherd?

CORIN

No more but that I know the more one sickens the

worse at ease he is; and that he that wants money,

means and content is without three good friends;

that the property of rain is to wet and fire to

burn; that good pasture makes fat sheep, and that a

great cause of the night is lack of the sun; that

he that hath learned no wit by nature nor art may

complain of good breeding or comes of a very dull kindred.

TOUCHSTONE

Such a one is a natural philosopher. Wast ever in

court, shepherd?

CORIN

No, truly.

TOUCHSTONE

Then thou art damned.

CORIN

Nay, I hope.

TOUCHSTONE

Truly, thou art damned like an ill-roasted egg, all

on one side.

CORIN

For not being at court? Your reason.

TOUCHSTONE

Why, if thou never wast at court, thou never sawest

good manners; if thou never sawest good manners,

then thy manners must be wicked; and wickedness is

sin, and sin is damnation. Thou art in a parlous

state, shepherd.

CORIN

Not a whit, Touchstone: those that are good manners

at the court are as ridiculous in the country as the

behavior of the country is most mockable at the

court. You told me you salute not at the court, but

you kiss your hands: that courtesy would be

uncleanly, if courtiers were shepherds.

TOUCHSTONE

Instance, briefly; come, instance.

CORIN

Why, we are still handling our ewes, and their

fells, you know, are greasy.

TOUCHSTONE

Why, do not your courtier's hands sweat? and is not

the grease of a mutton as wholesome as the sweat of

a man? Shallow, shallow. A better instance, I say; come.

CORIN

Besides, our hands are hard.

TOUCHSTONE

Your lips will feel them the sooner. Shallow again.

A more sounder instance, come.

CORIN

And they are often tarred over with the surgery of

our sheep: and would you have us kiss tar? The

courtier's hands are perfumed with civet.

TOUCHSTONE

Most shallow man! thou worms-meat, in respect of a

good piece of flesh indeed! Learn of the wise, and

perpend: civet is of a baser birth than tar, the

very uncleanly flux of a cat. Mend the instance, shepherd.

CORIN

You have too courtly a wit for me: I'll rest.

TOUCHSTONE

Wilt thou rest damned? God help thee, shallow man!

God make incision in thee! thou art raw.

CORIN

Sir, I am a true labourer: I earn that I eat, get

that I wear, owe no man hate, envy no man's

happiness, glad of other men's good, content with my

harm, and the greatest of my pride is to see my ewes

graze and my lambs suck.

TOUCHSTONE

That is another simple sin in you, to bring the ewes

and the rams together and to offer to get your

living by the copulation of cattle; to be bawd to a

bell-wether, and to betray a she-lamb of a

twelvemonth to a crooked-pated, old, cuckoldly ram,

out of all reasonable match. If thou beest not

damned for this, the devil himself will have no

shepherds; I cannot see else how thou shouldst

'scape.

CORIN

Here comes young Master Ganymede, my new mistress's brother.

[Enter ROSALIND, with a paper, reading]

ROSALIND

From the east to western Ind,

No jewel is like Rosalind.

Her worth, being mounted on the wind,

Through all the world bears Rosalind.

All the pictures fairest lined

Are but black to Rosalind.

Let no fair be kept in mind

But the fair of Rosalind.

TOUCHSTONE

I'll rhyme you so eight years together, dinners and

suppers and sleeping-hours excepted: it is the

right butter-women's rank to market.

ROSALIND

Out, fool!

TOUCHSTONE

For a taste:

If a hart do lack a hind,

Let him seek out Rosalind.

If the cat will after kind,

So be sure will Rosalind.

Winter garments must be lined,

So must slender Rosalind.

They that reap must sheaf and bind;

Then to cart with Rosalind.

Sweetest nut hath sourest rind,

Such a nut is Rosalind.

He that sweetest rose will find

Must find love's prick and Rosalind.

This is the very false gallop of verses: why do you

infect yourself with them?

ROSALIND

Peace, you dull fool! I found them on a tree.

TOUCHSTONE

Truly, the tree yields bad fruit.

ROSALIND

I'll graff it with you, and then I shall graff it

with a medlar: then it will be the earliest fruit

i' the country; for you'll be rotten ere you be half

ripe, and that's the right virtue of the medlar.

TOUCHSTONE

You have said; but whether wisely or no, let the

forest judge.

[Enter CELIA, with a writing]

ROSALIND

Peace! Here comes my sister, reading: stand aside.

CELIA

[Reads]

Why should this a desert be?

For it is unpeopled? No:

Tongues I'll hang on every tree,

That shall civil sayings show:

Some, how brief the life of man

Runs his erring pilgrimage,

That the stretching of a span

Buckles in his sum of age;

Some, of violated vows

'Twixt the souls of friend and friend:

But upon the fairest boughs,

Or at every sentence end,

Will I Rosalinda write,

Teaching all that read to know

The quintessence of every sprite

Heaven would in little show.

Therefore Heaven Nature charged

That one body should be fill'd

With all graces wide-enlarged:

Nature presently distill'd

Helen's cheek, but not her heart,

Cleopatra's majesty,

Atalanta's better part,

Sad Lucretia's modesty.

Thus Rosalind of many parts

By heavenly synod was devised,

Of many faces, eyes and hearts,

To have the touches dearest prized.

Heaven would that she these gifts should have,

And I to live and die her slave.

ROSALIND

O most gentle pulpiter! what tedious homily of love

have you wearied your parishioners withal, and never

cried 'Have patience, good people!'

CELIA

How now! back, friends! Shepherd, go off a little.

Go with him, sirrah.

TOUCHSTONE

Come, shepherd, let us make an honourable retreat;

though not with bag and baggage, yet with scrip and scrippage.

[Exeunt CORIN and TOUCHSTONE]

CELIA

Didst thou hear these verses?

ROSALIND

O, yes, I heard them all, and more too; for some of

them had in them more feet than the verses would bear.

CELIA

That's no matter: the feet might bear the verses.

ROSALIND

Ay, but the feet were lame and could not bear

themselves without the verse and therefore stood

lamely in the verse.

CELIA

But didst thou hear without wondering how thy name

should be hanged and carved upon these trees?

ROSALIND

I was seven of the nine days out of the wonder

before you came; for look here what I found on a

palm-tree. I was never so be-rhymed since

Pythagoras' time, that I was an Irish rat, which I

can hardly remember.

CELIA

Trow you who hath done this?

ROSALIND

Is it a man?

CELIA

And a chain, that you once wore, about his neck.

Change you colour?

ROSALIND

I prithee, who?

CELIA

O Lord, Lord! it is a hard matter for friends to

meet; but mountains may be removed with earthquakes

and so encounter.

ROSALIND

Nay, but who is it?

CELIA

Is it possible?

ROSALIND

Nay, I prithee now with most petitionary vehemence,

tell me who it is.

CELIA

O wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful

wonderful! and yet again wonderful, and after that,

out of all hooping!

ROSALIND

Good my complexion! dost thou think, though I am

caparisoned like a man, I have a doublet and hose in

my disposition? One inch of delay more is a

South-sea of discovery; I prithee, tell me who is it

quickly, and speak apace. I would thou couldst

stammer, that thou mightst pour this concealed man

out of thy mouth, as wine comes out of a narrow-

mouthed bottle, either too much at once, or none at

all. I prithee, take the cork out of thy mouth that

may drink thy tidings.

CELIA

So you may put a man in your belly.

ROSALIND

Is he of God's making? What manner of man? Is his

head worth a hat, or his chin worth a beard?

CELIA

Nay, he hath but a little beard.

ROSALIND

Why, God will send more, if the man will be

thankful: let me stay the growth of his beard, if

thou delay me not the knowledge of his chin.

CELIA

It is young Orlando, that tripped up the wrestler's

heels and your heart both in an instant.

ROSALIND

Nay, but the devil take mocking: speak, sad brow and

true maid.

CELIA

I' faith, coz, 'tis he.

ROSALIND

Orlando?

CELIA

Orlando.

ROSALIND

Alas the day! what shall I do with my doublet and

hose? What did he when thou sawest him? What said

he? How looked he? Wherein went he? What makes

him here? Did he ask for me? Where remains he?

How parted he with thee? and when shalt thou see

him again? Answer me in one word.

CELIA

You must borrow me Gargantua's mouth first: 'tis a

word too great for any mouth of this age's size. To

say ay and no to these particulars is more than to

answer in a catechism.

ROSALIND

But doth he know that I am in this forest and in

man's apparel? Looks he as freshly as he did the

day he wrestled?

CELIA

It is as easy to count atomies as to resolve the

propositions of a lover; but take a taste of my

finding him, and relish it with good observance.

I found him under a tree, like a dropped acorn.

ROSALIND

It may well be called Jove's tree, when it drops

forth such fruit.

CELIA

Give me audience, good madam.

ROSALIND

Proceed.

CELIA

There lay he, stretched along, like a wounded knight.

ROSALIND

Though it be pity to see such a sight, it well

becomes the ground.

CELIA

Cry 'holla' to thy tongue, I prithee; it curvets

unseasonably. He was furnished like a hunter.

ROSALIND

O, ominous! he comes to kill my heart.

CELIA

I would sing my song without a burden: thou bringest

me out of tune.

ROSALIND

Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must

speak. Sweet, say on.

CELIA

You bring me out. Soft! comes he not here?

[Enter ORLANDO and JAQUES]

ROSALIND

'Tis he: slink by, and note him.

JAQUES

I thank you for your company; but, good faith, I had

as lief have been myself alone.

ORLANDO

And so had I; but yet, for fashion sake, I thank you

too for your society.

JAQUES

God be wi' you: let's meet as little as we can.

ORLANDO

I do desire we may be better strangers.

JAQUES

I pray you, mar no more trees with writing

love-songs in their barks.

ORLANDO

I pray you, mar no more of my verses with reading

them ill-favouredly.

JAQUES

Rosalind is your love's name?

ORLANDO

Yes, just.

JAQUES

I do not like her name.

ORLANDO

There was no thought of pleasing you when she was

christened.

JAQUES

What stature is she of?

ORLANDO

Just as high as my heart.

JAQUES

You are full of pretty answers. Have you not been

acquainted with goldsmiths' wives, and conned them

out of rings?

ORLANDO

Not so; but I answer you right painted cloth, from

whence you have studied your questions.

JAQUES

You have a nimble wit: I think 'twas made of

Atalanta's heels. Will you sit down with me? and

we two will rail against our mistress the world and

all our misery.

ORLANDO

I will chide no breather in the world but myself,

against whom I know most faults.

JAQUES

The worst fault you have is to be in love.

ORLANDO

'Tis a fault I will not change for your best virtue.

I am weary of you.

JAQUES

By my troth, I was seeking for a fool when I found

you.

ORLANDO

He is drowned in the brook: look but in, and you

shall see him.

JAQUES

There I shall see mine own figure.

ORLANDO

Which I take to be either a fool or a cipher.

JAQUES

I'll tarry no longer with you: farewell, good

Signior Love.

ORLANDO

I am glad of your departure: adieu, good Monsieur

Melancholy.

[Exit JAQUES]

ROSALIND

[Aside to CELIA] I will speak to him, like a saucy

lackey and under that habit play the knave with him.

Do you hear, forester?

ORLANDO

Very well: what would you?

ROSALIND

I pray you, what is't o'clock?

ORLANDO

You should ask me what time o' day: there's no clock

in the forest.

ROSALIND

Then there is no true lover in the forest; else

sighing every minute and groaning every hour would

detect the lazy foot of Time as well as a clock.

ORLANDO

And why not the swift foot of Time? had not that

been as proper?

ROSALIND

By no means, sir: Time travels in divers paces with

divers persons. I'll tell you who Time ambles

withal, who Time trots withal, who Time gallops

withal and who he stands still withal.

ORLANDO

I prithee, who doth he trot withal?

ROSALIND

Marry, he trots hard with a young maid between the

contract of her marriage and the day it is

solemnized: if the interim be but a se'nnight,

Time's pace is so hard that it seems the length of

seven year.

ORLANDO

Who ambles Time withal?

ROSALIND

With a priest that lacks Latin and a rich man that

hath not the gout, for the one sleeps easily because

he cannot study, and the other lives merrily because

he feels no pain, the one lacking the burden of lean

and wasteful learning, the other knowing no burden

of heavy tedious penury; these Time ambles withal.

ORLANDO

Who doth he gallop withal?

ROSALIND

With a thief to the gallows, for though he go as

softly as foot can fall, he thinks himself too soon there.

ORLANDO

Who stays it still withal?

ROSALIND

With lawyers in the vacation, for they sleep between

term and term and then they perceive not how Time moves.

ORLANDO

Where dwell you, pretty youth?

ROSALIND

With this shepherdess, my sister; here in the

skirts of the forest, like fringe upon a petticoat.

ORLANDO

Are you native of this place?

ROSALIND

As the cony that you see dwell where she is kindled.

ORLANDO

Your accent is something finer than you could

purchase in so removed a dwelling.

ROSALIND

I have been told so of many: but indeed an old

religious uncle of mine taught me to speak, who was

in his youth an inland man; one that knew courtship

too well, for there he fell in love. I have heard

him read many lectures against it, and I thank God

I am not a woman, to be touched with so many

giddy offences as he hath generally taxed their

whole sex withal.

ORLANDO

Can you remember any of the principal evils that he

laid to the charge of women?

ROSALIND

There were none principal; they were all like one

another as half-pence are, every one fault seeming

monstrous till his fellow fault came to match it.

ORLANDO

I prithee, recount some of them.

ROSALIND

No, I will not cast away my physic but on those that

are sick. There is a man haunts the forest, that

abuses our young plants with carving 'Rosalind' on

their barks; hangs odes upon hawthorns and elegies

on brambles, all, forsooth, deifying the name of

Rosalind: if I could meet that fancy-monger I would

give him some good counsel, for he seems to have the

quotidian of love upon him.

ORLANDO

I am he that is so love-shaked: I pray you tell me

your remedy.

ROSALIND

There is none of my uncle's marks upon you: he

taught me how to know a man in love; in which cage

of rushes I am sure you are not prisoner.

ORLANDO

What were his marks?

ROSALIND

A lean cheek, which you have not, a blue eye and

sunken, which you have not, an unquestionable

spirit, which you have not, a beard neglected,

which you have not; but I pardon you for that, for

simply your having in beard is a younger brother's

revenue: then your hose should be ungartered, your

bonnet unbanded, your sleeve unbuttoned, your shoe

untied and every thing about you demonstrating a

careless desolation; but you are no such man; you

are rather point-device in your accoutrements as

loving yourself than seeming the lover of any other.

ORLANDO

Fair youth, I would I could make thee believe I love.

ROSALIND

Me believe it! you may as soon make her that you

love believe it; which, I warrant, she is apter to

do than to confess she does: that is one of the

points in the which women still give the lie to

their consciences. But, in good sooth, are you he

that hangs the verses on the trees, wherein Rosalind

is so admired?

ORLANDO

I swear to thee, youth, by the white hand of

Rosalind, I am that he, that unfortunate he.

ROSALIND

But are you so much in love as your rhymes speak?

ORLANDO

Neither rhyme nor reason can express how much.

ROSALIND

Love is merely a madness, and, I tell you, deserves

as well a dark house and a whip as madmen do: and

the reason why they are not so punished and cured

is, that the lunacy is so ordinary that the whippers

are in love too. Yet I profess curing it by counsel.

ORLANDO

Did you ever cure any so?

ROSALIND

Yes, one, and in this manner. He was to imagine me

his love, his mistress; and I set him every day to

woo me: at which time would I, being but a moonish

youth, grieve, be effeminate, changeable, longing

and liking, proud, fantastical, apish, shallow,

inconstant, full of tears, full of smiles, for every

passion something and for no passion truly any

thing, as boys and women are for the most part

cattle of this colour; would now like him, now loathe

him; then entertain him, then forswear him; now weep

for him, then spit at him; that I drave my suitor

from his mad humour of love to a living humour of

madness; which was, to forswear the full stream of

the world, and to live in a nook merely monastic.

And thus I cured him; and this way will I take upon

me to wash your liver as clean as a sound sheep's

heart, that there shall not be one spot of love in't.

ORLANDO

I would not be cured, youth.

ROSALIND

I would cure you, if you would but call me Rosalind

and come every day to my cote and woo me.

ORLANDO

Now, by the faith of my love, I will: tell me

where it is.

ROSALIND

Go with me to it and I'll show it you and by the way

you shall tell me where in the forest you live.

Will you go?

ORLANDO

With all my heart, good youth.

ROSALIND

Nay you must call me Rosalind. Come, sister, will you go?

[Exeunt]