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As You Like It: Act 5 Scene 4

Scene IV The forest.

[Enter DUKE SENIOR, AMIENS, JAQUES, ORLANDO, OLIVER,

and CELIA]

DUKE SENIOR

Dost thou believe, Orlando, that the boy

Can do all this that he hath promised?

ORLANDO

I sometimes do believe, and sometimes do not;

As those that fear they hope, and know they fear.

[Enter ROSALIND, SILVIUS, and PHEBE]

ROSALIND

Patience once more, whiles our compact is urged:

You say, if I bring in your Rosalind,

You will bestow her on Orlando here?

DUKE SENIOR

That would I, had I kingdoms to give with her.

ROSALIND

And you say, you will have her, when I bring her?

ORLANDO

That would I, were I of all kingdoms king.

ROSALIND

You say, you'll marry me, if I be willing?

PHEBE

That will I, should I die the hour after.

ROSALIND

But if you do refuse to marry me,

You'll give yourself to this most faithful shepherd?

PHEBE

So is the bargain.

ROSALIND

You say, that you'll have Phebe, if she will?

SILVIUS

Though to have her and death were both one thing.

ROSALIND

I have promised to make all this matter even.

Keep you your word, O duke, to give your daughter;

You yours, Orlando, to receive his daughter:

Keep your word, Phebe, that you'll marry me,

Or else refusing me, to wed this shepherd:

Keep your word, Silvius, that you'll marry her.

If she refuse me: and from hence I go,

To make these doubts all even.

[Exeunt ROSALIND and CELIA]

DUKE SENIOR

I do remember in this shepherd boy

Some lively touches of my daughter's favour.

ORLANDO

My lord, the first time that I ever saw him

Methought he was a brother to your daughter:

But, my good lord, this boy is forest-born,

And hath been tutor'd in the rudiments

Of many desperate studies by his uncle,

Whom he reports to be a great magician,

Obscured in the circle of this forest.

[Enter TOUCHSTONE and AUDREY]

JAQUES

There is, sure, another flood toward, and these

couples are coming to the ark. Here comes a pair of

very strange beasts, which in all tongues are called fools.

TOUCHSTONE

Salutation and greeting to you all!

JAQUES

Good my lord, bid him welcome: this is the

motley-minded gentleman that I have so often met in

the forest: he hath been a courtier, he swears.

TOUCHSTONE

If any man doubt that, let him put me to my

purgation. I have trod a measure; I have flattered

a lady; I have been politic with my friend, smooth

with mine enemy; I have undone three tailors; I have

had four quarrels, and like to have fought one.

JAQUES

And how was that ta'en up?

TOUCHSTONE

Faith, we met, and found the quarrel was upon the

seventh cause.

JAQUES

How seventh cause? Good my lord, like this fellow.

DUKE SENIOR

I like him very well.

TOUCHSTONE

God 'ild you, sir; I desire you of the like. I

press in here, sir, amongst the rest of the country

copulatives, to swear and to forswear: according as

marriage binds and blood breaks: a poor virgin,

sir, an ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own; a poor

humour of mine, sir, to take that that no man else

will: rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir, in a

poor house; as your pearl in your foul oyster.

DUKE SENIOR

By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.

TOUCHSTONE

According to the fool's bolt, sir, and such dulcet diseases.

JAQUES

But, for the seventh cause; how did you find the

quarrel on the seventh cause?

TOUCHSTONE

Upon a lie seven times removed:--bear your body more

seeming, Audrey:--as thus, sir. I did dislike the

cut of a certain courtier's beard: he sent me word,

if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the

mind it was: this is called the Retort Courteous.

If I sent him word again 'it was not well cut,' he

would send me word, he cut it to please himself:

this is called the Quip Modest. If again 'it was

not well cut,' he disabled my judgment: this is

called the Reply Churlish. If again 'it was not

well cut,' he would answer, I spake not true: this

is called the Reproof Valiant. If again 'it was not

well cut,' he would say I lied: this is called the

Counter-cheque Quarrelsome: and so to the Lie

Circumstantial and the Lie Direct.

JAQUES

And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?

TOUCHSTONE

I durst go no further than the Lie Circumstantial,

nor he durst not give me the Lie Direct; and so we

measured swords and parted.

JAQUES

Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the lie?

TOUCHSTONE

O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book; as you have

books for good manners: I will name you the degrees.

The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the

Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the

fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the

Countercheque Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with

Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct. All

these you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you may

avoid that too, with an If. I knew when seven

justices could not take up a quarrel, but when the

parties were met themselves, one of them thought but

of an If, as, 'If you said so, then I said so;' and

they shook hands and swore brothers. Your If is the

only peacemaker; much virtue in If.

JAQUES

Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? he's as good at

any thing and yet a fool.

DUKE SENIOR

He uses his folly like a stalking-horse and under

the presentation of that he shoots his wit.

[Enter HYMEN, ROSALIND, and CELIA]

[Still Music]

HYMEN

Then is there mirth in heaven,

When earthly things made even

Atone together.

Good duke, receive thy daughter

Hymen from heaven brought her,

Yea, brought her hither,

That thou mightst join her hand with his

Whose heart within his bosom is.

ROSALIND

[To DUKE SENIOR] To you I give myself, for I am yours.

[To ORLANDO]

To you I give myself, for I am yours.

DUKE SENIOR

If there be truth in sight, you are my daughter.

ORLANDO

If there be truth in sight, you are my Rosalind.

PHEBE

If sight and shape be true,

Why then, my love adieu!

ROSALIND

I'll have no father, if you be not he:

I'll have no husband, if you be not he:

Nor ne'er wed woman, if you be not she.

HYMEN

Peace, ho! I bar confusion:

'Tis I must make conclusion

Of these most strange events:

Here's eight that must take hands

To join in Hymen's bands,

If truth holds true contents.

You and you no cross shall part:

You and you are heart in heart

You to his love must accord,

Or have a woman to your lord:

You and you are sure together,

As the winter to foul weather.

Whiles a wedlock-hymn we sing,

Feed yourselves with questioning;

That reason wonder may diminish,

How thus we met, and these things finish.

SONG.

Wedding is great Juno's crown:

O blessed bond of board and bed!

'Tis Hymen peoples every town;

High wedlock then be honoured:

Honour, high honour and renown,

To Hymen, god of every town!

DUKE SENIOR

O my dear niece, welcome thou art to me!

Even daughter, welcome, in no less degree.

PHEBE

I will not eat my word, now thou art mine;

Thy faith my fancy to thee doth combine.

[Enter JAQUES DE BOYS]

JAQUES DE BOYS

Let me have audience for a word or two:

I am the second son of old Sir Rowland,

That bring these tidings to this fair assembly.

Duke Frederick, hearing how that every day

Men of great worth resorted to this forest,

Address'd a mighty power; which were on foot,

In his own conduct, purposely to take

His brother here and put him to the sword:

And to the skirts of this wild wood he came;

Where meeting with an old religious man,

After some question with him, was converted

Both from his enterprise and from the world,

His crown bequeathing to his banish'd brother,

And all their lands restored to them again

That were with him exiled. This to be true,

I do engage my life.

DUKE SENIOR

Welcome, young man;

Thou offer'st fairly to thy brothers' wedding:

To one his lands withheld, and to the other

A land itself at large, a potent dukedom.

First, in this forest, let us do those ends

That here were well begun and well begot:

And after, every of this happy number

That have endured shrewd days and nights with us

Shall share the good of our returned fortune,

According to the measure of their states.

Meantime, forget this new-fall'n dignity

And fall into our rustic revelry.

Play, music! And you, brides and bridegrooms all,

With measure heap'd in joy, to the measures fall.

JAQUES

Sir, by your patience. If I heard you rightly,

The duke hath put on a religious life

And thrown into neglect the pompous court?

JAQUES DE BOYS

He hath.

JAQUES

To him will I : out of these convertites

There is much matter to be heard and learn'd.

[To DUKE SENIOR]

You to your former honour I bequeath;

Your patience and your virtue well deserves it:

[To ORLANDO]

You to a love that your true faith doth merit:

[To OLIVER]

You to your land and love and great allies:

[To SILVIUS]

You to a long and well-deserved bed:

[To TOUCHSTONE]

And you to wrangling; for thy loving voyage

Is but for two months victuall'd. So, to your pleasures:

I am for other than for dancing measures.

DUKE SENIOR

Stay, Jaques, stay.

JAQUES

To see no pastime I what you would have

I'll stay to know at your abandon'd cave.

[Exit]

DUKE SENIOR

Proceed, proceed: we will begin these rites,

As we do trust they'll end, in true delights.

[A dance]

EPILOGUE

ROSALIND

It is not the fashion to see the lady the epilogue;

but it is no more unhandsome than to see the lord

the prologue. If it be true that good wine needs

no bush, 'tis true that a good play needs no

epilogue; yet to good wine they do use good bushes,

and good plays prove the better by the help of good

epilogues. What a case am I in then, that am

neither a good epilogue nor cannot insinuate with

you in the behalf of a good play! I am not

furnished like a beggar, therefore to beg will not

become me: my way is to conjure you; and I'll begin

with the women. I charge you, O women, for the love

you bear to men, to like as much of this play as

please you: and I charge you, O men, for the love

you bear to women--as I perceive by your simpering,

none of you hates them--that between you and the

women the play may please. If I were a woman I

would kiss as many of you as had beards that pleased

me, complexions that liked me and breaths that I

defied not: and, I am sure, as many as have good

beards or good faces or sweet breaths will, for my

kind offer, when I make curtsy, bid me farewell.

[Exeunt]