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King Henry IV, Part 2: Act 2 Scene 4

Scene IV London. The Boar's-head Tavern in Eastcheap.

[Enter two Drawers]

FIRST DRAWER

What the devil hast thou brought there? apple-johns?

thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.

SECOND DRAWER

Mass, thou sayest true. The prince once set a dish

of apple-johns before him, and told him there were

five more Sir Johns, and, putting off his hat, said

'I will now take my leave of these six dry, round,

old, withered knights.' It angered him to the

heart: but he hath forgot that.

FIRST DRAWER

Why, then, cover, and set them down: and see if

thou canst find out Sneak's noise; Mistress

Tearsheet would fain hear some music. Dispatch: the

room where they supped is too hot; they'll come in straight.

SECOND DRAWER

Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master Poins

anon; and they will put on two of our jerkins and

aprons; and Sir John must not know of it: Bardolph

hath brought word.

FIRST DRAWER

By the mass, here will be old Utis: it will be an

excellent stratagem.

SECOND DRAWER

I'll see if I can find out Sneak.

[Exit]

[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY and DOLL TEARSHEET]

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I' faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an

excellent good temperality: your pulsidge beats as

extraordinarily as heart would desire; and your

colour, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good

truth, la! But, i' faith, you have drunk too much

canaries; and that's a marvellous searching wine,

and it perfumes the blood ere one can say 'What's

this?' How do you now?

DOLL TEARSHEET

Better than I was: hem!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold.

Lo, here comes Sir John.

[Enter FALSTAFF]

FALSTAFF

[Singing] 'When Arthur first in court,'

--Empty the jordan.

[Exit First Drawer]

[Singing]

--'And was a worthy king.' How now, Mistress Doll!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Sick of a calm; yea, good faith.

FALSTAFF

So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they are sick.

DOLL TEARSHEET

You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me?

FALSTAFF

You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.

DOLL TEARSHEET

I make them! gluttony and diseases make them; I

make them not.

FALSTAFF

If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to

make the diseases, Doll: we catch of you, Doll, we

catch of you; grant that, my poor virtue grant that.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.

FALSTAFF

'Your broaches, pearls, and ouches:' for to serve

bravely is to come halting off, you know: to come

off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to

surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged

chambers bravely,--

DOLL TEARSHEET

Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never

meet but you fall to some discord: you are both,

i' good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you

cannot one bear with another's confirmities. What

the good-year! one must bear, and that must be

you: you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the

emptier vessel.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full

hogshead? there's a whole merchant's venture of

Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk

better stuffed in the hold. Come, I'll be friends

with thee, Jack: thou art going to the wars; and

whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is

nobody cares.

[Re-enter First Drawer]

FIRST DRAWER

Sir, Ancient Pistol's below, and would speak with

you.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come

hither: it is the foul-mouthed'st rogue in England.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my

faith; I must live among my neighbours: I'll no

swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the

very best: shut the door; there comes no swaggerers

here: I have not lived all this while, to have

swaggering now: shut the door, I pray you.

FALSTAFF

Dost thou hear, hostess?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John: there comes no

swaggerers here.

FALSTAFF

Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me: your ancient

swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master

Tisick, the debuty, t'other day; and, as he said to

me, 'twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, 'I'

good faith, neighbour Quickly,' says he; Master

Dumbe, our minister, was by then; 'neighbour

Quickly,' says he, 'receive those that are civil;

for,' said he, 'you are in an ill name:' now a'

said so, I can tell whereupon; 'for,' says he, 'you

are an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore

take heed what guests you receive: receive,' says

he, 'no swaggering companions.' There comes none

here: you would bless you to hear what he said:

no, I'll no swaggerers.

FALSTAFF

He's no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, i'

faith; you may stroke him as gently as a puppy

greyhound: he'll not swagger with a Barbary hen, if

her feathers turn back in any show of resistance.

Call him up, drawer.

[Exit First Drawer]

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my

house, nor no cheater: but I do not love

swaggering, by my troth; I am the worse, when one

says swagger: feel, masters, how I shake; look you,

I warrant you.

DOLL TEARSHEET

So you do, hostess.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspen

leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers.

[Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and Page]

PISTOL

God save you, Sir John!

FALSTAFF

Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge

you with a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess.

PISTOL

I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.

FALSTAFF

She is Pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offend

her.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets: I'll

drink no more than will do me good, for no man's

pleasure, I.

PISTOL

Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What!

you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen

mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for

your master.

PISTOL

I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away!

by this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy

chaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away,

you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale

juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God's

light, with two points on your shoulder? much!

PISTOL

God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this.

FALSTAFF

No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here:

discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

No, Good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Captain! thou abominable damned cheater, art thou

not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were

of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for

taking their names upon you before you have earned

them. You a captain! you slave, for what? for

tearing a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a

captain! hang him, rogue! he lives upon mouldy

stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain! God's

light, these villains will make the word as odious

as the word 'occupy;' which was an excellent good

word before it was ill sorted: therefore captains

had need look to 't.

BARDOLPH

Pray thee, go down, good ancient.

FALSTAFF

Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.

PISTOL

Not I I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could

tear her: I'll be revenged of her.

PAGE

Pray thee, go down.

PISTOL

I'll see her damned first; to Pluto's damned lake,

by this hand, to the infernal deep, with Erebus and

tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I.

Down, down, dogs! down, faitors! Have we not

Hiren here?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i'

faith: I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.

PISTOL

These be good humours, indeed! Shall pack-horses

And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia,

Which cannot go but thirty mile a-day,

Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals,

And Trojan Greeks? nay, rather damn them with

King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.

Shall we fall foul for toys?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.

BARDOLPH

Be gone, good ancient: this will grow to abrawl anon.

PISTOL

Die men like dogs! give crowns like pins! Have we

not Heren here?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

O' my word, captain, there's none such here. What

the good-year! do you think I would deny her? For

God's sake, be quiet.

PISTOL

Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis.

Come, give's some sack.

'Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.'

Fear we broadsides? no, let the fiend give fire:

Give me some sack: and, sweetheart, lie thou there.

[Laying down his sword]

Come we to full points here; and are etceteras nothing?

FALSTAFF

Pistol, I would be quiet.

PISTOL

Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf: what! we have seen

the seven stars.

DOLL TEARSHEET

For God's sake, thrust him down stairs: I cannot

endure such a fustian rascal.

PISTOL

Thrust him down stairs! know we not Galloway nags?

FALSTAFF

Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat

shilling: nay, an a' do nothing but speak nothing,

a' shall be nothing here.

BARDOLPH

Come, get you down stairs.

PISTOL

What! shall we have incision? shall we imbrue?

[Snatching up his sword]

Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!

Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds

Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Here's goodly stuff toward!

FALSTAFF

Give me my rapier, boy.

DOLL TEARSHEET

I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw.

FALSTAFF

Get you down stairs.

[Drawing, and driving PISTOL out]

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping

house, afore I'll be in these tirrits and frights.

So; murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas! put up

your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons.

[Exeunt PISTOL and BARDOLPH]

DOLL TEARSHEET

I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone.

Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

He you not hurt i' the groin? methought a' made a

shrewd thrust at your belly.

[Re-enter BARDOLPH]

FALSTAFF

Have you turned him out o' doors?

BARDOLPH

Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk: you have hurt him,

sir, i' the shoulder.

FALSTAFF

A rascal! to brave me!

DOLL TEARSHEET

Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! alas, poor ape,

how thou sweatest! come, let me wipe thy face;

come on, you whoreson chops: ah, rogue! i'faith, I

love thee: thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy,

worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than

the Nine Worthies: ah, villain!

FALSTAFF

A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Do, an thou darest for thy heart: an thou dost,

I'll canvass thee between a pair of sheets.

[Enter Music]

PAGE

The music is come, sir.

FALSTAFF

Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll.

A rascal bragging slave! the rogue fled from me

like quicksilver.

DOLL TEARSHEET

I' faith, and thou followedst him like a church.

Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig,

when wilt thou leave fighting o' days and foining

o' nights, and begin to patch up thine old body for heaven?

[Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS, disguised]

FALSTAFF

Peace, good Doll! do not speak like a death's-head;

do not bid me remember mine end.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Sirrah, what humour's the prince of?

FALSTAFF

A good shallow young fellow: a' would have made a

good pantler, a' would ha' chipp'd bread well.

DOLL TEARSHEET

They say Poins has a good wit.

FALSTAFF

He a good wit? hang him, baboon! his wit's as thick

as Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him

than is in a mallet.

DOLL TEARSHEET

Why does the prince love him so, then?

FALSTAFF

Because their legs are both of a bigness, and a'

plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel,

and drinks off candles' ends for flap-dragons, and

rides the wild-mare with the boys, and jumps upon

joined-stools, and swears with a good grace, and

wears his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of

the leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet

stories; and such other gambol faculties a' has,

that show a weak mind and an able body, for the

which the prince admits him: for the prince himself

is such another; the weight of a hair will turn the

scales between their avoirdupois.

PRINCE HENRY

Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?

POINS

Let's beat him before his whore.

PRINCE HENRY

Look, whether the withered elder hath not his poll

clawed like a parrot.

POINS

Is it not strange that desire should so many years

outlive performance?

FALSTAFF

Kiss me, Doll.

PRINCE HENRY

Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! what

says the almanac to that?

POINS

And look, whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not

lisping to his master's old tables, his note-book,

his counsel-keeper.

FALSTAFF

Thou dost give me flattering busses.

DOLL TEARSHEET

By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.

FALSTAFF

I am old, I am old.

DOLL TEARSHEET

I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young

boy of them all.

FALSTAFF

What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive

money o' Thursday: shalt have a cap to-morrow. A

merry song, come: it grows late; we'll to bed.

Thou'lt forget me when I am gone.

DOLL TEARSHEET

By my troth, thou'lt set me a-weeping, an thou

sayest so: prove that ever I dress myself handsome

till thy return: well, harken at the end.

FALSTAFF

Some sack, Francis.

PRINCE HENRY / POINS

Anon, anon, sir.

[Coming forward]

FALSTAFF

Ha! a bastard son of the king's? And art not thou

Poins his brother?

PRINCE HENRY

Why, thou globe of sinful continents! what a life

dost thou lead!

FALSTAFF

A better than thou: I am a gentleman; thou art a drawer.

PRINCE HENRY

Very true, sir; and I come to draw you out by the ears.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

O, the Lord preserve thy good grace! by my troth,

welcome to London. Now, the Lord bless that sweet

face of thine! O, Jesu, are you come from Wales?

FALSTAFF

Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light

flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.

DOLL TEARSHEET

How, you fat fool! I scorn you.

POINS

My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and

turn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat.

PRINCE HENRY

You whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you

speak of me even now before this honest, virtuous,

civil gentlewoman!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

God's blessing of your good heart! and so she is,

by my troth.

FALSTAFF

Didst thou hear me?

PRINCE HENRY

Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran away

by Gad's-hill: you knew I was at your back, and

spoke it on purpose to try my patience.

FALSTAFF

No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within hearing.

PRINCE HENRY

I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse;

and then I know how to handle you.

FALSTAFF

No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour, no abuse.

PRINCE HENRY

Not to dispraise me, and call me pantier and

bread-chipper and I know not what?

FALSTAFF

No abuse, Hal.

POINS

No abuse?

FALSTAFF

No abuse, Ned, i' the world; honest Ned, none. I

dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked

might not fall in love with him; in which doing, I

have done the part of a careful friend and a true

subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it.

No abuse, Hal: none, Ned, none: no, faith, boys, none.

PRINCE HENRY

See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth

not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to

close with us? is she of the wicked? is thine

hostess here of the wicked? or is thy boy of the

wicked? or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his

nose, of the wicked?

POINS

Answer, thou dead elm, answer.

FALSTAFF

The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable;

and his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he

doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy,

there is a good angel about him; but the devil

outbids him too.

PRINCE HENRY

For the women?

FALSTAFF

For one of them, she is in hell already, and burns

poor souls. For the other, I owe her money, and

whether she be damned for that, I know not.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

No, I warrant you.

FALSTAFF

No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for

that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee,

for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house,

contrary to the law; for the which I think thou wilt howl.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

All victuallers do so; what's a joint of mutton or

two in a whole Lent?

PRINCE HENRY

You, gentlewoman,-

DOLL TEARSHEET

What says your grace?

FALSTAFF

His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.

[Knocking within]

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Who knocks so loud at door? Look to the door there, Francis.

[Enter PETO]

PRINCE HENRY

Peto, how now! what news?

PETO

The king your father is at Westminster:

And there are twenty weak and wearied posts

Come from the north: and, as I came along,

I met and overtook a dozen captains,

Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns,

And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff.

PRINCE HENRY

By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame,

So idly to profane the precious time,

When tempest of commotion, like the south

Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt

And drop upon our bare unarmed heads.

Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.

[Exeunt PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO and BARDOLPH]

FALSTAFF

Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and

we must hence and leave it unpicked.

[Knocking within]

More knocking at the door!

[Re-enter BARDOLPH]

How now! what's the matter?

BARDOLPH

You must away to court, sir, presently;

A dozen captains stay at door for you.

FALSTAFF

[To the Page] Pay the musicians, sirrah. Farewell,

hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches,

how men of merit are sought after: the undeserver

may sleep, when the man of action is called on.

Farewell good wenches: if I be not sent away post,

I will see you again ere I go.

DOLL TEARSHEET

I cannot speak; if my heart be not read to burst,--

well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

FALSTAFF

Farewell, farewell.

[Exeunt FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH]

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Well, fare thee well: I have known thee these

twenty-nine years, come peascod-time; but an

honester and truer-hearted man,--well, fare thee well.

BARDOLPH

[Within] Mistress Tearsheet!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

What's the matter?

BARDOLPH

[Within] Good Mistress Tearsheet, come to my master.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

O, run, Doll, run; run, good Doll: come.

[She comes blubbered]

Yea, will you come, Doll?

[Exeunt]